Andy Stevenson vs. The Lord of the Loins
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by Kage Alan
Description: Welcome back to the world of Andy Stevenson, where life is just one run-in with Murphy's Law after another. Having returned home from his summer vacation in California where he "came out" the hard and hilarious way in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation, Andy heads back to college for his sophomore year. It's not until Christmas break is over that things start to heat up. Blonde bombshell/poet Tristan may or may not be taking a liking to Andy, but how far will he go to find out? An invitation to visit the object of his confusion leads Andy to a night he'll never forget--which is exactly what he'd like to do. And just when things couldn't get more complicated, a chance meeting at a party finds Andy falling for a freshman named Alan. Murphy's Law naturally arrives for another visit as Tristan decides to make it his personal mission in life to teach Andy about the world of sex with no commitment? whether he wants to learn it or not. What's a guy to do after promising his new boyfriend that his middle name is "Discretion"? Armed with his two best friends and recently resurfaced sense of sarcasm, Andy prepares to defend his fledgling relationship with the half-Asian and slightly domineering (yet oddly sweet in that playfully sadistic sort of way) Alan by doing battle with the most fearsome ho to come along since--since--all previous fearsome hos: The Lord of the Loins!
eBook Publisher: Zumaya Publications/Zumaya Boundlesss, 2008 2008
eBookwise Release Date: September 2008
12 Reader Ratings:
Available eBook Formats: OEBFF Format (IMP) [311 KB]
Reading time: 202-283 min.
"Irresistible and most likely true, Mr. Alan has written a relevant romantic comedy for the 21st century.....between two cutie-pie boys."--Suzanne Westenhoefer, Comedienne Extraordinaire
"A breezy read with both spice and brains. I only wished that gay teenagers of this generation were this literate and hot."--Quentin Lee, director of Ethan Mao, Drift and 0506HK
The beauty of a continuing story is that it has the potential to go beyond the original tale and achieve entirely new heights. The reality of a continuing story, however, is that it can tend to suck and not in the good way. Highlander 2, Galactica 1980, Star Trek V, Jaws: The Revenge ... hello???
And then there's me. I'm Andy, just a typical 19-year-old college student from Detroit, Michigan. What's so special about me? Not a thing. Well, nothing until I went to California six months ago and had that whole cliched experience-that-changed-my-life thing and blah blah blah. I've heard it as often as you have, so I won't bore you with the whole sordid story down to the smallest detail. I'm not my mother. Well, maybe I'll tell you some of it just so we're on the same page.
Suffice to say that I met someone in California who I was convinced was the anti-Christ, only he obviously wasn't. He's my cousin and, unfortunately for me, attractive. Okay, he's hot! I do want to make the distinction that he's my cousin by marriage only. It was California, not one of those other, less progressive states. Anyway, Jordan--that's my cousin--pushed me to come to terms with a major issue in my life. Not only did he finally get me to admit that I'm gay--I am, I double-checked--but he was also my first, which is how I double-checked. Oh, come on! It's not like Jordan and I didn't use protection. I'm kidding. No, we did. We used protection. After all, safety comes first ... then hopefully you both do, too. Sorry. Gay humor. Couldn't help myself.
Right, so. I'd rarely left Michigan before, and well, who'd want to? I'd miss the daily season changes, our luxurious family-sized potholes and our colorful state tree--the little orange construction cone. In-state jokes, sorry. Anyway, I left home, went to LA, experienced a little of the beach and nightclub life and finally learned how to be comfortable just being myself. I also learned that a French Tickler isn't a masseuse who studied in Paris and that ribbed isn't always for her pleasure--very important information there.
So, how exactly does one top an experience like that? If this was one of those early 80s family television shows, I'd be living happily ever after in some little Italian villa with Charo as my crazy neighbor or stepmother. It didn't happen like that, though.
I went through the motions of finishing off my summer vacation back home, moved into a private dorm room at school and completed the first semester of my sophomore year--all without raising a single suspicion concerning my sexuality. I wanted to tell someone, and I tried to, but no one was picking up on the clues. It felt like everybody knew who I was, but that they weren't really paying attention to what I was saying, much like I imagine Andrew Ridgley felt when he released his solo album after WHAM split up. Yeah, exactly. You didn't know he had one, either.
I needed someone I could talk to, who could help me learn more about myself and who I could grow with. Most people look for this kind of relationship with a therapist. Me? I wanted a boyfriend. Jordan would have been the perfect candidate had I stayed in California. After all, he turned out to be an excellent role model, and what could be better than meeting the kind of man I want to share my future with? Meeting the kind I don't? No, I can do without that little drama entirely. I'm a much nicer person these days, so there's no reason for the proverbial bird to fly over and shit on my head.
Naturally, this is exactly what happened right after Christmas break.