The Erotic Adventures of King Arthur and His Most Ribald (K)nights
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by Llyr Llenllewac, Eleanor Tremaine
Category: Erotica/Erotic Fantasy/Fantasy
Description: Meet Arthur, England's Sexiest King! Here is the story of King Arthur and his knights the way it really was! Told from the Celtic, pre-Grail, pagan point of view. In this translation of what he claims is a little known Welsh saga, Art Banta presents a rousing, erotic, roisterous, randy, ribald take on the loves and sexual peccadilloes of the legendary king, the knights of his roundtable, and the ladies and not-so-ladylike women they loved. Here is King Arthur as he truly must have been, plus stories of knightly daring by day and delvings by night. Romantic, sexy, magical, there has never before been a book like The Erotic Adventures of King Arthur and his Ribald (K)nights.
eBook Publisher: Renaissance E Books/Sizzler, 2005
eBookwise Release Date: August 2005
14 Reader Ratings:
Available eBook Formats: OEBFF Format (IMP) [293 KB]
Reading time: 203-284 min.
Most of the tales re-told here in Nineteenth Century Welsh were first recorded in the Sixth and Seventh Centuries in Old British (Celtic) or Latin. The tales told in Old British were probably translated by members of the Celtic bardic colleges. The Latin tales presumably were recited to monks who wrote only in Latin. Gareth's story, which follows, was originally transcribed in Vulgar Latin, probably by a literate Briton who had forsaken the monastic life. How else to explain the sometimes crude language of the original? The translator cautions his gentle readers to pass over this chapter if offensive words or salacious situations are anathema to his or her ears. Vulgar Latin, as you are aware, was not meant for the ear or eye of the squeamish. Since the original is in the vernacular, I have translated it into a style of speech a Welsh thirteen year old might use today.L.L.
Mum left me at Uncle Arthur's court when I was thirteen years old. I thought that was just about the best thing that ever happened to me. Camelot was a lot more fun than dreary, drafty old Baledur Castle up home in Skara Brae. The thing about Camelot, particularly, was that it was swarming with beautiful girls. I mean it. Gorgeous females. Mum had left me in Heaven.
You might say that at age thirteen, I had an awful lot to learn about women. I discovered that they can be unpredictable, flighty, and moody. But above all, they are absolutely delightful.
Mum and Uncle Arthur (he's the king you know) decided it would be more fun for me if no one knew that I was the king's nephew. I'd have to act all dignified and grown-up and stuff if people knew that about me. So I was just to pretend I was a nobody. A scullion in the kitchen crew. I don't think Mum and Uncle thought about it, but there are lots and lots of girls working in the kitchen. I figured that out right away. I was thirteen and girls were about all I did think about then.
So Mum and Gaheris and Agravain went back to Dad's castle after we'd been in Camelot for a little while. I bet Gaheris and Agravain didn't want to go back up there into the cold and damp. But, they didn't say so. And I sure didn't want them hanging around while I was having my big adventure.
I was given some kind of raggedy old clothes to wear, and that suited me just fine. I was the youngest one in the kitchen crew, and that was great, too. I got to wash pots and pans, to scrub floors, carry out garbage, and peel vegetables. But, I was doing it with the other scullions, and they were not all that much older than me. And it was not like anything I'd ever done before.
Since I was never introduced by my real name, which was part of my disguise, everyone called me "Brat." That was at first. I got another nickname from Cai the Seneschal, but I'll tell you about that in a moment, all right? Did you know the seneschal was Uncle Arthur's brother? That made him another of my uncles, if he only knew it. But, of course, he wasn't supposed to know. No one was.
Cai was in charge of the kitchen, all right. And he always gave me a hard time. What he really did was make fun of me. He'd say things that were kind of mean, but that made the others laugh. I laughed right along with them. If someone else spilled something on the floor, no one said much about it. They just cleaned it up. If I dropped something, Cai would say something like "The brat made a splat." Everyone then would think that was real funny, and I pretended that I did too. I think Cai would have liked it better if I got mad. But what was there to get mad about? I had made a splat, hadn't I?
Naturally, the best part about being in the kitchen was the girls. I tried to get it on with the wenches every chance I got. I didn't have any success. They always said I was too young for them. But then a few of them would admit, "But you're a cute little brat, anyway." I kept right on trying of course. But I was walking around with a boner nearly all the time. And, since I couldn't get a girl, I had to rely on my good right hand to get relief.
One day, I was in the pantry and I got some good hog grease on my hand and was doing myself something fierce. And who should catch me doing it? Cai. But he didn't let on. He sneaked into the kitchen and brought all the girls to the pantry door. Then he swung the door open, and there I was for all them to see. I was beating myself lickety-split. You never heard so much laughter at one time. It was really embarrassing. But, then, I just joined in the laughter with the rest of them. I guess it was pretty funny.
That was when Uncle Cai, who didn't know he was my uncle, gave me a nickname that stuck. It was Heirddllaw (1). So, at least, I wasn't "Brat" any more.
Part of my job was to bring food and drink into the great dining hall to serve to the varchogs and ladies. Most of them didn't pay much attention to me. Gwalchmai, though, was nice to me. He'd been nice to me and my brothers when we first got to Camelot, but in my disguise, he didn't recognize me, of course. And he didn't know he was my brother. None of us knew that at the time. All that happened a lot later. But, when I had time off, he'd show me how to handle a sword and a lance. The Viking slaves up in Skara Brae had taught all us boys a lot about fighting, and Gwalchmai looked a whole lot like those Vikings. But, he had some fighting tricks that I hadn't known before. Gwalchmai enjoyed helping me and some of the other kitchen boys and the pages with swordplay and stuff like that. I was better at the sword play than any of the pages. And I guess that's part of the reason Gwalchmai was especially nice to me.
Life in the kitchen was fun for me most of the time. I could usually get away from my chores, for at least part of the time, when they had jousting matches and sword games out in the lists and in the field of honor. Cai was always out there on those days, so not much was going on in the kitchen anyway. Most of the pages and scullions were allowed to watch. And the varchogs I knew who were there participating or just watching would wave to me, or greet me with a merry "Halloo!"
Well, one day, when there was a really good jousting tournament, Gwalchmai saw me there. I considered him a good friend, like an older brother (which, as you know, it turned out he was). I was feeling pretty confident of myself, so I said to him:
"Varchog Gwalchmai. I've been watching these bums out here in the lists. I can do better than any of them. You know I can. How about you arrange it so I can enter and show them my stuff?"
He had taught me jousting, and knew I could take pretty good care of myself. He gave it a moment's thought, flashed those bright white teeth at me with a twisted smile, and said, "O.K. Kid. I'll see what I can do." Boy, did that ever make my heart beat faster.
I saw him go over to where Uncle Arthur was sitting. I could tell he was urging the king to let me go into the lists. He pointed over at me. I waved at my uncle, and smiled what I hoped was a very mature smile. Uncle Arthur looked back at Gwalchmai, and shook his head. It looked like the answer was "no." Gwalchmai addressed the king more animatedly, and, finally, Uncle Arthur laughed right out loud. I could see that. And he nodded his head. Gods damn! The answer was "yes!"
Gwalchmai came striding over to me. He was laughing. Gee, it made me feel great.
"Well, Heirddllaw," he greeted me. "I have convinced the king to let you enter the lists to show your stuff. But are you absolutely sure that's what you want to do? These are the big boys you'll be playing with. And they play rough, you know."
"Just let me at 'em," I answered.
Gwalchmai said he knew where he could find a suit of armor to fit me, along with a horse, a shield, and a lance. I could hardly believe my ears. This was going to be my lucky day.
Gwalchmai came through with all the equipment he'd promised, so at the lists the next day, I was ready to participate. When I rode into the lists, all the pages and the kitchen kids cheered.
My friend Fforgall that I palled around with shouted out:
"Hey, Heirddllaw! You know how to use that hand. Just pretend you have yourself in hand, and you'll knock the stuffing out of those varchogs."
Everyone at the tournament heard what he shouted, and the place was rocking with laughter. Well, I planned to show them something that would knock those laughs right off their faces. Because I was good, and I knew I was good.
Everyone watching the lists was really amazed at how well I did. I must have been a little nervous, because I didn't win any joust. But I didn't lose any, either. They let me joust against Dagonawt and Dynydawn. Maybe they weren't the brightest lights in the Camelot candelabra, but they were seasoned warriors in their own way. Even Uncle Arthur congratulated me after my matches. Gwalchmai gave me a horn of mead in the dining chamber that night when I was serving the varchogs, and proposed a toast to me. Everyone joined in. It was kind of embarrassing, but neat anyway, know what I mean?
Every time there was a jousting match or a sword fight at Camelot after that, they let me participate a bit. And I always did just fine. Each time they matched me against bigger and stronger varchogs. And, I got to be a real favorite, particularly with the other scullions and pages. But, it wasn't getting me any action with the wenches. They'd smile at me, and didn't complain too much when I'd grab a pat on their backsides. But no action. Not even a good feel. But, I knew if I bided my time, a good opportunity would present itself. Because I kept getting better and better with horsemanship, lance, and sword. I figured that's how to make points with the ladies.