A Life Without You
Click on image to enlarge.
by Erica Pike
Category: Erotica/Erotic Romance/Gay Fiction
Description: Jesse's like a bar of soap: the tighter Adam holds on, the faster Jesse slips away. Or that's how it feels to Adam. It doesn't help that Jesse has a girlfriend back home and claims to be straight, but there's no way with all the sparks and physical intimacy flying between the two roommates. When Adam believes he has reached his ultimate happiness, the bedroom walls come crashing down with a visit from Jesse's girlfriend. Now Jesse has to decide if he can come to terms with his sexuality, while Adam has to learn to accept that Jesse might never be able to crawl out of the closet.
eBook Publisher: MLR Press, LLC/MLR Press, LLC,
eBookwise Release Date: February 2012
15 Reader Ratings:
Available eBook Formats: OEBFF Format (IMP) [310 KB]
Reading time: 210-294 min.
"Mmmh," Jesse groans on my pillow and stirs in his sleep.
My thigh was pressed against his when I woke up an hour ago, and it's still there, skin against warm skin. I'm afraid that if I move I'll spoil the beauty of having his naked body in my bed. So for now I lay on my side and watch him sleep.
The skin over his muscles relaxes and tightens as he breathes. I've admired his athletic build since I first saw him. It helped that I got to see him naked on the very first night he moved in.
I'd decided that morning to tell him early and give him a chance to move out if he wasn't cool with my sexuality. After the last guy left, I was sure whoever moved in would just move right back out after learning the truth about me.
As soon as I opened the door that morning and saw Jesse holding out his hand, my irritation evaporated in a flash. I shook his firm grip and gawked in fascination as with a smile, he introduced himself as Jesse Jefferson.
Now why I didn't tell him about my sexuality until a full twelve hours later is still a mystery.
"I hope you don't mind," he'd said after dropping his dusty blue jeans with a wry smile playing on his sensuous lips. "I always sleep naked, so if you see my admiral saluting in the morning, don't take it the wrong way, 'kay?"
His frankness caught me off guard and he flashed me white teeth as he laughed. I didn't know whether to look at his too-touchable sun streaked hair or his beautifully exposed privates. He seemed so natural standing naked in front of another man that I didn't know what to think of it. I think I may have blushed.
When he finally ducked under his white sheet, I swallowed down my drool and undressed under my own sheet. My penis throbbed hard against my boxer briefs.
He turned off the lights. The throb kept time for at least half an hour as I stared at the ceiling. His breathing told me he was still awake.
I cleared my throat. "So, why are you moving in now? It's already been two weeks since school started."
"My roommate kicked me out because I sleep in the nude."
"That's tough," I said, willing my dick to relax.
"Why didn't you have a roommate?" he asked.
"Because I'm gay," I answered.
It was never a secret. I always answered truthfully whenever people asked.
Jesse, snuggled in his sheet, was quiet for a full second before his back convulsed in a rising laughter. "That's a good one," he said in between laughs. "I suppose I laid that one out for you. I like your humor, Adam. I'm sure we'll get along just fine."
Maybe I should've pursued it. It would have been easier for him to really know it and have his freak-out, before I grew to like him too much.
But a perverse part of me was curious to know when he would figure it out and how he would react. Mostly, I really didn't want him to leave. I thought if we became buddies first he might react more positively.
A month later and he still doesn't have a clue.
I watch his pure face on my pillow as he draws in slow breaths, so peacefully oblivious of my wild fantasies. The heat from his thigh is almost overbearing.
It's like I'm lying to him every day. He innocently says and does things that I snatch up and twist into something sexual in my dirty mind. We've become great buddies and I'd feel crushed if he left, but it's time to tell him how things are.
I wonder what he'll do when he wakes up. Jump out of bed with a scream? Tear the sheet off my body to cover himself and thereby reveal my hard-on? Shove his clothes on and move out? Or slide his arm around my body and kiss me, like I secretly dream about every single day? It's hard to guess.
Jesse groans again and shifts his body to lie on his back. His cock slides fully erect against my sheet as he moves. What I wouldn't give to be the object of his dreams right now.
I want to run my hands down his chest, feel the heat of his relaxed body, and let my palm rest on his slow breathing stomach. I want to tuck the other around his neck, push his head upwards, and then slowly lower myself into a kiss. How would he react to that? I could turn it into a joke if he'd get angry. He's very liberal as it is, so maybe it would be okay. He even smacks me on the butt and winks sometimes when he passes by. Can't I make homo jokes as well, or do such jokes only work between straight guys?
Maybe I should just pretend to be asleep when he wakes up.
My heart thuds in my ears when Jesse's eyelids flutter open halfway. A narrow beam of sunlight flashes in his eyes and bathes his honey-tanned skin in a golden hue. His eyes close and I'm afraid to breathe. These are my last moments of lying next to him with my thigh still pressed against his.
"Oh, man, what did I drink last night?" he says in a raspy voice and rubs his eyes with the heel of his palms.
"A lot," I say, and he jerks, clearly not expecting me to be so close.
He lowers his hands and rolls his head towards me. His eyes shift in and out of focus, like a camera lens trying to capture the best clarity. "What...? Why are you...?"
I can't help it. I push my face against my extra pillow where I lie on my stomach and keep one eye on him with smile on my lips.
"Why am I in your bed?" he asks and lifts the sheet to check. "Naked."
So far, so good, but under my pillow my hands are shaking badly. Even with my insides wrung with worry, I can't help but to tease him.
"How much of last night do you remember?" I ask, lifting my eyebrow.
"Remember?" His brow furrows and he rubs his face again. "Uh, we went to that pub, drank a lot, nearly fell into a fountain, and ate a lot of pineapple someone brought -- which I'm never eating again, by the way. I'm pretty sure it was spiked." His hand slides under the sheet and rests on his stomach, just above the nicely outlined erection.
"And then we went to a party," I help and lift myself up to rest on my elbows.
"Yeah, we partied with some foreign exchange students... I didn't smoke anything, did I?" Jesse asks with a frown.
I shake my head and try to keep the corners of my mouth straight.
"Umm, we talked to some people, and...did Chester set himself on fire?"
"It was nothing serious. Eric used the fire extinguisher on him."
Does he really not remember the most crucial moment of my young college life?
"We played a game. Spin the Bottle?"
I swallow several times while I try to still my hands. It feels like my heart is beating in my throat. "And -- and -- and --" His brow furrows again. "We kissed?"
I gulp down a bucket-full of saliva before I answer in the best casual voice as I can manage. "When Eric challenged you to kiss a man and you wouldn't, he accused you of being insecure about your sexuality. So you kissed me -- tongue and all. You're a very good kisser." I wiggle my eyebrows.
"Oh man. I'm so sorry about that," he says and moves to sit up. "Argh!" he groans between bared teeth. "Fuck! Why the hell does my ass hurt so much?" He slowly lowers himself back down.
"You don't remember that, eh?" I ask. I figured he didn't. He was very, very drunk. So drunk that he could hardly stand.
"No?" he responds, his voice reluctant. He's not facing me, but a tawny eye keeps glancing my way.
I inhale deeply. "Well, we came back here, and you wanted to kiss some more. One thing led to another..."
"No." He whips his head towards me, eyes wide. "I would never let a guy ass-fuck me. No way." His response was so fast that it had to have been the first thing that'd popped into his mind when he felt the pain earlier. Not surprising, with two guys naked in the same bed.
I raise myself up and lean over him. His eyes travel down my exposed body, stopping at where my erection is clearly visible under the sheet. "Actually, you fucked me," I murmur with a smirk. I'm having a hard time containing the laughter rumbling in the pit of my stomach, but at the same time I feel like I'm about to empty my stomach of whatever I drank last night. I take a few calming breaths through my nose as I watch him intently. His eyes widen when I move my hands on either side of him and gaze directly down into his eyes. "And when you saw how much I loved it, you wanted to try it too."
He shakes his head, just an inch to either side, eyes large, mouth half parted.
"Yes," I purr with a brief grin. "And although it hurt a little at first, you were moaning, and pleading, and begging me to fuck you harder until you came all over the sheets without either of us even touching your dick."
"No," he whispers. "No way."
His breath rattles when I bend down to brush my lips against his cheek. I rest my weight on one of my arms while the other gently runs through his soft hair. My finger travels down his cheek, jaw, neck and then circles a spot on his muscled chest. "And it looks like you're ready to go again," I whisper into his ear.
Neither of us move in the silence that follows. I don't know what's going through his head, but he's definitely holding his breath. My hand lies flat over his beating heart and I'm tempted to move it downwards, towards the body part that was awake long before the rest of him was.
Sandy blonde locks of hair curl lightly around his ear. His tanned neck is begging to be kissed, but I'm afraid to move. My heart beats so fast that Jesse has to be able to hear it, but his is beating just as fast.
Is Jesse gay after all? This is not the first time I've wondered. Maybe he wants me to kiss him, to release the tension in his lower regions. Without fully registering it, my lips are brushing against his jaw and down to the base of his neck where it meets his gorgeous shoulder. Jesse takes short, rattling breaths of air. I press my mouth against his neck very lightly, licking his skin through my parted lips. When he doesn't move I run a trail of soft kisses up his neck and then I graze my teeth on the soft, stubble-free skin of his jaw. But as I do, my cemented cock rubs against his.
With a startled yelp, he shoves me off and scrambles out of bed crab-style, hitting the floor hard. He looks so beautiful with his face contorted almost as if he's about to climax. Straight, white teeth flashing, jaws set, a little crease between his eyes. Tangled in the sheet, he drags himself away from my bed backwards, not taking his large eyes off me even for a fraction of a second. I look down his body and get a nice view of sexy feet with nicely curved insteps, lean-muscled legs, and his narrow hip that makes my cock drool every time.
"You." He stops to point a finger at me, sprawled wanton on the floor like I've seen him so many times in my fantasies. Only the look on his face is different. Instead of the lusty, needy gaze, I get a heated glare that looks just about as enticing. "You took advantage of me. I was drunk. That's rape!" he shouts, snapping me out of the gutter that is my mind. I didn't realize until now just how much I've scared him.
I'm still bent over where Jesse lay just a moment ago. "Relax, Jesse," I tell him. I try to smile, but my lips are trembling too much. My whole body is. "I'm messing with you. You fell hard on the pavement and I had to take you to the ER. You have a fractured tailbone and some bruising around your rectum."
He sits on his hip and stares at me.
When I push myself off the bed his eyes widen further at the sight of my hard-on. I know my cock is impressive -- not a full nine inches, but close enough with a lot of girth. His is lovely as well, maybe half an inch shorter and a tiny bit thinner, but just right to make my mouth water whenever I have the privilege of seeing it -- which is every night. Hell, I'll blow off anything not to miss Jesse going to bed.
"It's true," I say, trying to look serious. That feeling of nausea returns when I think about how I would feel if a girl claimed she'd fucked me in my drunken state. I have scared Jesse with my twisted sense of fantasy and humor, and now all I want to do is to caress the horror off his face. "I promise. I have the hospital bill to prove it."
I still have the sweet taste of his neck on my lips. I briefly wonder what could have happened if my dick hadn't brushed against his. If I'd gotten him to the point where his lust would have made it impossible for him to push me away. But then he would have hated me afterwards, and that's something I couldn't bear.
"That's not funny, Adam," he says after he finds his voice again. His shoulders slump down when the real reason for his pain has sunk in. "That's so not funny."
"You keep saying you like my humor," I say, not quite able to shake off my teasing despite all the twisting in my stomach.
"Not when I thought I'd been ass-fucked! Jeez, Adam. That is so not funny."
A nervous chuckle passes my lips and I reach out a hand. "Let me help you up."
"Put some pants on first," he says, still ogling my erection.
"What, I see yours all the time but you can't see mine? That's a little unfair, isn't it?" I say in a calm voice that, in no way, mirrors my aching guts. I'm scared shitless that he'll leave. This was not how I was going to reveal my sexuality to him.
"Pants," he repeats.
I lift my hands in defeat. "All right, all right."
I put on a pair of blue boxer briefs and help him up. I have to put my arm around his back to lift him because his injury is causing him so much pain, but the firm press of his shoulder blades against my chest sends a jolt down my underwear and my dick does a little throb.
"Dude! Don't stand so close to me," Jesse shouts, trying not to let his lower back touch my front. As a result there is no way he can shield himself when the sheet rolls off his body and pools around his feet. I see that his penis is still erect. He sees it, too.
"Morning wood. Don't get any ideas," he groans out while we make our way to our en suite bathroom.
"Wasn't gonna. You want me to help you in here?"
"No, I'm fine," he says and shuts the door in my face.
I close my eyes and rest my head against the bathroom wall. Jesse turns on the shower and then pees in the toilet with a long groan. I smile, even though my body is shaking and my heart is pounding. I don't think I could bear it if he left. My captivation has developed into something so unbearable that my chest hurts every time I think about it.
The touch of his skin still burns on mine. He was aroused even after his shock, fear, and pain. Although I can't allow myself to think anything of it I can't help wondering if the idea of having sex with a man excited him. Or was it my erect cock and my brief kisses?
My hand slides into my boxers. The skin is taut over the wet stiffness and I can't help myself from moving it back and forth, all the while thinking of Jesse on the other side of the wall. By the irregular water falling and splashing sounds, I know that he's in the shower running his soapy hands all over his perfect body. The splashing stops. I hear him force back his moans and I know that he's masturbating, too. I hold my breath while I work on myself, every stifled breath of Jesse's fizzing through me as if he were panting in my ear. It sounds as though his forehead is pressed against the wall and I can just picture him leaning against it with his arm over his head for support. When he draws in a sharp breath, a deep moan vibrates in my throat and I'm sure he heard it, because he stops -- just like I do, with a thudding heart -- but only for a second. I listen to his half-grunts, as I stroke my cock, and the fact that he probably knows what I'm doing on the other side of the wall brings me fast towards my limit.
I hear it when he comes, the deeply forced back grunt. I grind my teeth and hold my breath to keep from making a sound, but a low whimper seeps out when I come, too.
I wonder what will happen now. Maybe he will call me in and let me into the shower where we can jerk each other off. Maybe he will kiss me with his wet lips and run his hot, soft tongue into my mouth like he did last night. Maybe he will even let me drop to my knees and slide his cock between my lips. If he does then I'll suck him so hard and swallow every bit of him after.
These are wishful thoughts that will never come true. My stomach twists when I think about that reality and the hopelessness of it all.
God, the sweet taste of his lips is forever etched in my memory. He even wrapped an arm around my waist and fisted my t-shirt with his free hand last night, as if he didn't want to let me go. His swollen lips parted from mine and he laughed at whatever expression I had on my face. I wanted to tackle him, press him against the floor, rip his shirt off and run my lips over every inch of his hot body.
Instead I watched him walk off towards the beers and gulp them down. Eric raised his bottle to me and winked with his most mischievous smile. If the idiot thought he was doing me a favor, he was wrong.
I'm still standing with my fingers around my erect cock when Jesse turns off the shower. I yank my hand out, wipe it on my boxers, and change into a clean pair before he limps out the door with a thick towel around his middle and a deep blush in his cheeks.
"You okay?" I ask when he stops, trying to sound as if nothing happened a minute ago.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He is very focused on a pile of clothes at the foot of his bed, ones that haven't made it into the laundry basket yet.
The casual tone in both our voices sounds so fake, because our voices are a little higher than they should be.
"Why don't I get both of us dressed and then help you downstairs to the Box?" I say.
The Box is what we call our kitchen area. Most of the residence in this dorm are guys who don't bother to cook, so everywhere you look you'll see piles and piles of empty pizza boxes or other takeout cartons.
"No, no I'm fine," he says but bares his teeth when he moves again. "Jesus, Adam, you sure you didn't fuck me in your sleep or something, cause I get these stings all the way up my --"
"I'm sure," I try to reassure him with a smile and exhale in relief when I hear my voice go normal again. I find a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt. "Though I'd be happy to do that if you want."
"You mean you really are gay?" Water drips onto his cheeks as his eyes move up to meet mine.
That ache in my stomach returns while I watch his face closely. Is he going to leave?
"Yes I am," I say after a short moment of silence. "Is that a problem?"
"No," he says after a minute and drops his gaze. "No, I don't discriminate against people that way. I mean, as long as you keep your...your --"
"Penis?" I help.
"Yes. Keep it away from me and we're fine. And don't kiss me again."
"You kissed me," I point out while I button my jeans.
"I mean like you did this morning."
"Sorry," I say with a forced-back smile while I find him some clothes. "I really didn't think you'd take me seriously. And maybe I took the joke a little too far."
I bite back a chuckle. "You've always been able to take a joke. You really believed that story, huh?" Most of his clothes are dirty, but I find a pair of grey sports pants that look clean enough and a wrinkled t-shirt stuffed in the corner of one of his drawers.
"With the pain in my ass? Of course I did. Wouldn't you have?"
I shrug, but I can't help smiling. It doesn't look like he's moving out.
"Sorry. I promise to keep my penis to myself, but I'll have to help you dress. The doctor said you'd need help with that sort of thing for a few days."
Jesse nods, his attention now focused on the only piece of clothing on the floor that belongs to me. My blue boxers.