The Curse of Chaos [The Books of Retslu IV]
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by Joe Vadalma
Category: Dark Fantasy/Fantasy
Description: Chaos is the most enigmatic, mysterious and powerful of all the gods and goddesses. Only she can turn what is to what is not, make nothing of something and with the help of her servant Time, destroy all that is or ever will be. Thus, the heart trembles and the knees quake when this powerful and capricious goddess interferes directly in the affairs of humankind. Pity, therefore, the citizens of Retslu, a tiny kingdom ruled by an honest, just and liberal monarch, King Knight Black, whose only faults were muddle-headness, not an unusual trait in rulers of this land, and a tendency toward extravagance. During his reign, the once proud and prosperous Retslu had become destitute. Several years of drought, wars with neighboring Neerg, poaching by the dreaded beast-things in the south and the reign of several incompetent and extravagant kings had left the kingdom impoverished. Near King Black's castle squatted an ancient venerable and hoary church. Presiding over this church is Bishop Faith, whose ambition is to replace the church with a tremendous cathedral. When two marriages are to be performed, the king throws a lavish masquerade ball, and the goddess Chaos appears, awarding Bishop Faith the prize for the best costume. When others ridicule her choice, Chaos curses the kingdom. The very next day, the royal treasurer, Screege, discovers that not enough gold is left in the treasure room to pay the king's bills. Thus begins a hilarious serious of misadventures in the tradition of Diskworld and Xanth. In it you will meet Captain Blite, a pirate with an unusual buried treasure, the hapless knight, Lord Noise, who must hock the Royal Crown if he can survive the monsters that litter his path, the king of Atlantis and his troll, Turkle, Ping Pong, a monsterous gorilla, the witch, Wortisha, plus Lord Noise's slutty daughter, Hunkerina, Pancho Beastman, and many other crazy and irresistablecharacters.
eBook Publisher: Renaissance E Books/PageTurner Editions,
eBookwise Release Date: May 2010
Available eBook Formats: OEBFF Format (IMP) [340 KB]
Reading time: 212-296 min.
In the beginning there was no matter, no energy, neither light nor darkness, neither good nor evil, no time, no universe, no worlds -- only Chaos.
"I'm bored," the great goddess of randomness remarked to No One. "Nothing ever happens."
No One replied, "That's because there's no time for anything to happen. Besides, what's wrong with nothing? I find it most pleasant. And what do you mean by 'happens' anyway?"
"You say that because you don't exist, you're a nobody. And, although I'm not sure what a happening is myself, I'd like to see one. I think I'll create Time."
With a sudden burst of energy -- which was strange, since energy did not exist either -- Chaos molded a whole lot of randomness into Time. But, to her disappointment, the infant Time simply sat with his thumb in his mouth.
"Well Chronus, do something," she scolded, naming him at the same time. (She did this knowing full well that simultaneity is impossible.)
Chronus took his thumb from his mouth. "I can't. You created me incomplete. I need space."
So Chaos made space. Then there was Space-Time. Still nothing happened except that all the randomness was gone and an infinite amount of empty space proceeded in an orderly fashion from past through present to the future -- which, by and by, became the present while the present became the past. That was the year zero.
"This is even more boring than randomness," Chaos complained.
"I think it's perfect," No One said. "Only Nature abhors a vacuum."
"Nature? What are you talking about?"
"Nature is a goddess. Like you. Only she doesn't exist yet."
Chaos peered into the future. She had to squint since it was very dim. Using her prescience she saw the whole plan. "Now I know what to do to relieve my boredom. Create deities as my companions. And they will make the universe." Thus, she created gods and goddesses beyond counting and saw that it was Good. Also, because of the perversity of her nature, she created demons and devils and saw that it was Evil. This balanced things out nicely.
She chose the best looking of the bunch and made Him The Creator. Now her work was done. The rest she left up to Him. In the meantime, she spent a lot of time composing poetry -- after she created the Muses.
The Creator said, "Let there be light." There was a terrific explosion as matter and energy were born. (This event was later to be known as "the big bang," although there really was no noise, since sound cannot exist in a vacuum.)
"Oh, how pretty," Chaos exclaimed.
Nonetheless, the Creator was sort of slow and a little on the lazy side. As a result, it took Him six days to make the world and the sky and the animals and finally man. (And these were long days, some of which lasted billions of years.) And on the seventh day, He rested, never to do a lick of work afterwards.
Chaos enjoyed the little creatures that the Creator had made, especially the ones called humans. She watched them a lot and liked to add a little spice of chaos to their lives. This story is about one of those times.